And I never forgave him

BY KATHY WEYER

I WAS 17, GOING TO SCHOOL IN BOSTON. It was 1972. I suspect the short dresses helped. My skin was tight, my boobs were front and center, there was no flapping going on, the energy level was off the charts and I could see perfectly without correction. My hair was cut short—Twiggy-style—and polyester was the fabric of choice, along with platform shoes that made us all at least 4 inches taller.

These shoes with the jingly buckles announced my, and everyone else’s, entrance (clump jingle, clump jingle). The jewelry was huge, plastic and smelled funny. We wore Charlie perfume and lots of makeup. We were going for the natural look. We were babes.

We lived on Beacon Hill in what was once a large ornate manse, now sectioned into separate quarters. The center of the floor was used as a study area. We each claimed a station where we put our rented IBM Selectrics. We walked countless stairs and checked the mail boxes several times a day. Fireplaces were in every room, but we weren’t allowed to use them. If you were lucky you had a telephone. The common one in the hallway rang all the time, but never more than one ring, as we were all so anxious to find out who was calling and for whom.

There was one bathroom for the entire floor. It was ordered pandemonium.

Our dorm was across the street from the world-famous Boston Commons. Watching the trees change four times a year was a complete revelation to me, coming from Southern California, where there are no seasons. We used to bundle up, clump down the stairs (clump jingle, clump, jingle), and meet a date under a special tree or statue. The experience of dry leaves crunching under my feet was something new to me, and the eye-popping autumn colors were enough to make me swoon.

On this particular day in October, we had finished our classes and felt we needed a treat. So four of us took our fake IDs down to the local pub. Who knew that was the day my life would change forever?

As we slid into the red leather booth, the long-haired, mustachioed bartender came over to take our order of Pink Squirrels, Singapore Slings and Whiskey Sours. We were so sophisticated.

We were deep into making plans for the weekend when we felt a presence in the bar….and there he was, in all his glory. Tall, thick, strong and graceful, Broadway Joe was passing through from the back of the bar toward the front door. Dressed in a long black leather trench coat, he had just stepped off the cover of Cosmo. He stopped to chat with the bartender quickly and turned around to see four post-pubescent females gaping at him. We were completely, utterly, indescribably flummoxed. There’s just no other way to describe it.

He sauntered over to us with a grin, knowing exactly the effect he was having on us. “So, ladies, what are we celebrating?” he asked as he looked at each of us individually, then as a group. (It’s now clear, 40 years later, he was evaluating each of us one at a time “yes, no, and maybe if I’d been drinking”…whatever.)

My mouth was dry, my hands were clammy and my brain was frozen. All I could come up with was, “umm….my birthday’s next week,” just loud enough for me to hear.

“Hey, Joe, drinks are on me,” he yelled over his shoulder. “We’ve got a birthday over here!” And at that, he turned and went out the door, black leather flying behind him.

For a moment there was complete silence, then four seconds later I don’t remember anything but the sound of our very shrill, very high-pitched voices and clasping hands and jumping up and down in the leather booth. “Did that just happen?” “I can’t belieeeeeeve it!” We were absolutely beside ourselves. It took the next hour for us to calm down.

We went back to the dorm with our story, and every time we told it, it got more and more exaggerated. By the time the story came back to me, one of us had actually gone back to Joe’s apartment and slept with him.

The following Wednesday was my birthday. I got back to the dorm to find a dozen yellow roses had shown up with my name on the box. The card said, “Love, Joe #12.”

I was ecstatic. I put the flowers on my dresser and pulled the tag. I showed it to everyone. And I mean everyone. That very nice Broadway Joe sent me flowers! He remembered it was my birthday and took the time to send them to me. Aren’t I special?

For three weeks it was all I could talk about. g

BY LISA ALBERTA

‘TIS THE SEASON TO MAKE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS SO WE CAN JUSTIFY THE OVERINDULGENCE OF THE PAST FEW WEEKS! It’s crazy what we put on ourselves after the holidays. We over-indulge in Christmas cookies, holiday dinners, cocktails and egg nog, then when January rolls around, we make ridiculous promises to ourselves, like we’re going to get down to our high school weight and fit into our skinny jeans.

How realistic is that? Especially when you’ve just eaten more sweets in the past two weeks than in the past six months combined! Diane and Claudia have been trying to stick to their EatSmart weight loss program, and work out at CHHRC, but they are struggling with sticking to it. An extremely hectic work schedule, the chaos of the holidays and juggling family life make it easy to convince yourself that you have an excuse. Diane and Claudia are no exception. But instead of throwing in the towel, they’re making a commitment to themselves to get back to their journey.

So, why are we letting the calendar determine when we take care of ourselves and when we let ourselves go? Yes, you should exercise and watch what you eat, but you should do it because you want to live a long healthy life—not because it’s January. Join Claudia and Diane on their journey. But don’t do it because it’s January. Do it because this is the month of YOU! g

Dogs in tuxes

BY ROZ WARREN

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT DOGS BEING PART OF A WEDDING CEREMONY? If you’re a dog person, you’re probably thinking, “Great idea!” If you aren’t, it’s apparently like suggesting that aardvarks or squirrels be included in the wedding party. A likely response is, “Why on earth would anyone want to do that?” From personal experience, I can tell you why.

My son and his beloved are crazy about Jack, their Bichon Frise, so when they told me they were engaged, I joked, “I can’t wait to see Jack in a tux!” Little did I know that the kids wouldn’t dream of getting married without including not only Jack, but Jack’s “Uncle” Max,” the Bichon belonging to the bride’s parents. Both dogs, wearing tuxes, would be part of the ceremony. Max, the older and better behaved of the two, would be the ring bearer. Jack would be the “flower dog.”

When my son told me that Jack and Max would be members of the wedding party, I thought it quirky but adorable—something that would make the ceremony uniquely theirs. My ex, who was footing the bill for the otherwise traditional shindig (and who is not a dog person) was less enthusiastic at first, but soon came around. He loves the kids enough to want to give them exactly the wedding they wanted.

Telling folks that your son’s wedding will include four-legged participants is a litmus test for discovering how they feel about companion animals. People who see their own pets as “family”
were charmed and delighted. “Wonderful!” they enthused. “Tell me all about it.” But people who don’t much care for dogs were repulsed. “That‘s weird,” was not an unusual response. I was also told that including Jack and Max was “offensive,” “disrespectful” and “ridiculous.”

When I told one friend that the kids were not only planning on a canine-inclusive ceremony but also planned to have a dog-themed wedding cake, she joked, “Better put plenty of nuts on it!” As far as she was concerned, including the dogs at all, let alone putting them on the cake, was just a nutty an idea. Luckily, we’re not that close, so she wasn’t invited. I hoped that nobody who WAS invited would be dismayed or repulsed by the sight of two beloved dogs in formal attire trotting down the aisle.

A CANINE-INCLUSIVE CEREMONY USED TO BE UNHEARD OF, BUT THINGS ARE CHANGING.

But what if they were? Tom and Amy love those dogs and it’s their wedding. The ceremony should reflect who they are as a couple (dog lovers!) and what matters to them (living happily ever after — with Bichons!) and not be about the comfort level of my friends.

Sure, a canine-inclusive ceremony used to be unheard of, but things are changing. Google “dogs in weddings” and you’ll find dozens of photos. Bulldogs in tuxes. Poodles in veils. Labradoodles wearing garlands of flowers. A beaming bride carrying an impeccably groomed Yorkie down the aisle in a small white basket. The way I saw it, meeting the challenge of pulling off a wedding that included Jack and Max would bode well for Tom and Amy’s ability to meet the many challenges of married life. A wedding ceremony that ran smoothly despite the presence of two lively dogs would be a small miracle. But so is any loving, enduring marriage. And what mother doesn’t want that for her kids?

“Are the dogs well-behaved?” one dog-savvy friend asked me.

“One of them is,” I told her. Max, the older dog, is a perfect gentleman. Jack, the younger dog, is more mischievous.

She laughed. “Well, it should be memorable.”

And so it was. Unique, memorable and joyful. As mother of the groom and “grandmother” of the flower dog, I had the time of my life. g

This essay was originally published on Philadelphia Metropolis/Voxpop and is reprinted here with the permission of the author.

_____________________

Roz Warren is a Philadelphia-based writer whose work has appeared in The Funny Times and on the websites Women’s Voices for Change and Metropolis/Voxpop. Roz’s website is www.rosalindwarren.com.

WE ALL KNOW WHAT BELONGS ON A RESUME, BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT DOES NOT BELONG? IN THIS TOUGH ECONOMY, AND WITH AGE NOT NECESSARILY ON OUR SIDE, TAKE A LOOK AT THESE SIX THINGS THAT SHOULD NEVER APPEAR ON YOUR RESUME.

1. Personal information: Avoid adding anything other than your name and contact information. Best bets are your email address and phone number. No one wants to see more than that. It clutters your resume and can lead to negative biases and interpretations. It is a sure way to have your resume added to the circular file. Pertinent information that shows prospective employers you’re the one for the job is the only way to go.
2. Work experience more than 10-15 years old: Let’s be honest. For the most part, employers are weeding out older applicants. By showing your prior positions that are older than 15 years, you’ll be waving a big red flag. You don’t want to have your resume eliminated before you have a chance to sell yourself personally to the company.
3. Pictures: Unless you’re applying for a modeling job, keep the headshots off your resume. Pictures open the door to discrimination. With the deluge of resumes many perspective employers receive, it doesn’t take much to convince them to toss. By including your picture, you immediately add what could be perceived as a negative element. You want to sell your experience, not your looks.
4. Lies: With so many applicants applying for so few jobs, the perspective employer is more likely to contact your prior employer to confirm what is listed. The worst thing you can do is to get caught in a lie. That will surely disqualify you from any job. Be truthful, but tactful.
5. Too many words: Try to keep small words to a minimum. Words like “I,” “a,” “the”…you get the drift. You want your resume to be scored above ninth grade level. www.rezscore.com is a great website that will score your resume free of charge. And as we all know, ‘free’ is a good thing.
6. Anything that would be considered antiquated: Don’t put things like “References available upon request” at the bottom of your resume. That is wasted space and is seen as a negative today. If an employer wants references, she will ask for them at the interview. The trick is to get the interview. The bottom line is to keep your resume pertinent to the position for which you are applying.

Anything extra is seen as a negative and will increase your chance of having your resume rejected.

Good luck! g

_____________________

Syndi Blatt and Gail Fine are the co-founders of Unemployed-Woman.com, which provides job search tools, as well as tips on saving money and staying healthy while unemployed. Their motto is “Make Each Day Productive and Enjoyable.” Check out their blog at www.unemployedwoman.com/blog.

Parents Helping Parents of Children with Autism and Asperger’s

BY JACKIE PANTALIANO

Not too long ago, parents of children on the autism spectrum found themselves in an autism/Asperger’s wilderness. While creating paths to solutions for their now-adult children, they became the trailblazers for the parents coming behind them. But while recognition and services have vastly improved, we still have miles to go. These issues are personally significant, as my own son Steven, an 18-year-old with Asperger’s, enters adulthood.

Typically, individuals with Asperger’s are challenged with social inappropriateness, obsessive interests, sensory issues and delayed maturity. According to the ASPEN (Asperger’s Syndrome Education Network) website, Asperger’s is on the high end of the autism spectrum, and was not officially diagnosed in the US until 1994.

“Aspies,” as many adults with the disorder refer to themselves, are often seen as “quirky, nerdy or geeky.” Unable to recognize social cues, they often come across as rude or strange. (Think “Sheldon” from TV’s The Big Bang Theory.)

THE DARK AGES OF THE 80S: THE CONRAD FAMILY

MICHAEL CONRAD

When Molly and Martin Conrad of Cherry Hill brought home their baby boy Michael in 1978, the Asperger’s diagnosis would not exist in the US for another 16 years.

At 8 years old, Michael was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Many Asperger’s individuals share ADD traits, but as they grow, it becomes apparent that their challenges and delays differ from those of their ADD peers. Even after the Asperger’s diagnosis came out, there were many misunderstandings. A representative with the NJ Society of Learning Disabilities initially told Molly, “Michael can’t have Asperger’s—he doesn’t talk in monotone.” But it is now recognized that a person need not meet every criterion on the list to be diagnosed.

Molly took 8-year-old Michael to a therapist and social skills group, and around the time he graduated high school, she’d read an article about Asperger’s and thought it described him perfectly. Her developmental pediatrician told her that she didn’t need a diagnosis, but Molly said, “This isn’t true. The diagnosis justifies services.”

She’d managed to get him into early intervention, and he was
mainstreamed with typical children from preschool on, bolstered
by a variety of resource room pull-outs and private tutors. But
when it came to college, trouble began anew.

As is typical of Aspies without support, he struggled with the independence of attending classes and activities of daily living. Molly and Martin hired graduate students to work with him, and he eventually graduated from Broward Community College in Florida. Since then, Michael has struggled with living arrangements, never able to tolerate roommates or find paid work. His love has always been theater, and he now volunteers at Off-Off-Broadway venues.

Molly has always felt it important that Michael live away from home, both to gain independence and prepare him for the time when she and Martin will no longer be around. But financially, it has been a great hardship. He now lives in a supervised apartment building. He continues with theater involvement and library visits, typically reading 6 books at a time.

Molly, who said she has “spent most of her time since Michael was born fighting for services,” is now very involved with Autism NJ and ASPEN where she derives support and paves the way for others. One of her biggest concerns is the lack of employment for Aspies. While some of us know of famous Asperger’s individuals with great jobs, statistics show that up to 85% of this population is without fulltime employment, though many have above-average intelligence.

IT’S ALL ABOUT AWARENESS: THE HUMANS FAMILY

JACKIE & NIKKI HUMANS

Jackie Humans, PhD has carved a career out of awareness. She lectures about bullying prevention, sexual harassment and child abuse. She authored a children’s book entitled “15 Ways to Zap a Bully,” illustrated by her 25-year-old daughter Nikki, who has Asperger’s. A bullying victim, Nikki was one of the inspirations behind Jackie’s book and speaking career.

Jackie and Nikki live on Long Island, NY, and didn’t receive the Asperger’s diagnosis until Nikki was entering ninth grade. However, “at the end of second grade in public school, a very brave teacher told me and my husband that our daughter did not belong there,” said Jackie. So the Humans put Nikki in private school for third grade, where she was one of only 8 students in class. “That year, Nikki grew 4 inches and I’m convinced it was because public school had been so traumatizing that it stunted her growth.” Nikki remained in that school until its final eighth grade year. She attended and graduated from a mainstream high school, and then went on to college, graduating with a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree.

Since then, Nikki has not been able to find full-time work. She does occasional freelance artwork, but often goes many months between commissions. She now volunteers for an animal-assisted therapy program with Jackie and the Humans’ dog, Jessie. “Volunteering helps Nikki feel useful and assists in developing a work history of being on time and responsible,” said Jackie.

“Having Nikki illustrate my book was an integral part of my publishing goal. I knew she could do a great job and felt it was especially fitting because she had developed techniques of her own that would often stymie verbal bullies. Once she could be dispassionate, she began to almost ‘toy’ with the bullies by refusing to give them an upset reaction,” said Jackie.

“I encourage other parents to start businesses or joint projects with their special needs children because no one is ever going to be more motivated to help our kids than we are.”

TACKLING EMPLOYMENT HEAD-ON: THE RITZEL FAMILY

ALEC RITZEL

Linda and Joe Ritzel of Marlton are the parents of Alec. They launched Pride Paws in 2010—a non-profit, pet supply retail store at 206 Main Street in Medford— where they train and employ adults with developmental disabilities.

“We just need to give these participants an area to build some skills and confidence,” said Linda. Twenty-one-yearold Alec is currently in his final year at Cherokee High School in Marlton. Many people are unaware that the law allows public school education for special needs children until they are 21.

Alec was diagnosed on the spectrum at 3. His education started with several specialized, out-of-district school placements. He came back into the district in a self-contained elementary school classroom and went on to mainstream middle and high school. Linda credits his teachers for sparking Alec’s passion for photography and video.

Linda, who had no role models when Alec was diagnosed, says “My dream for him is in and around his two passions: camera crew and the Phillies. Somehow, somewhere, there is something there for him! Alec loves baseball and is a walking encyclopedia on the game!

“As far as Pride Paws, we know it’s tough out there, so we are here to teach skills, help overcome confidence issues and unlock potential.”

Responsibilities include: baking pet treats and packaging them, crafting and painting other merchandise, taking inventory, keeping the shop clean, helping customers and operating the cash register. “Our register has a training mode which helps overcome the fear of ringing a register and teaches math skills.” Alec has even found a way to use his talent. He takes photos which are used in the store and on Pride Paws’ website.

Linda’s advice: “Find a way to never give up. These kids have fantastic brains. Give them many opportunities. They can guide you to be better parents and better people with a different world view.”

BLAZING A RECREATIONAL TRAIL: THE NEWMAN FAMILY

THE NEWMAN FAMILY

Linda and Eric Newman have two sons—Max, an 18 year old with classic autism, and Harrison, 15 and neurotypical (not on the spectrum). Max was typically developing as an infant and then regressed. “There is so much more out there now than when Max was little,” said Eric. “We didn’t know any other parents who had a child with autism then.”

Linda and Eric were tireless in pursuing every form of early intervention possible, spending years searching for the best schools for Max at the various stages of his development. When they lived in Philadelphia, there weren’t enough autism programs, so they relocated to Voorhees and Max entered a variety of out-of-district placements. He’s now in-district at Eastern High School.

“Our goal is to have Max be a functioning, contributing part of society,” said Linda. Whether that means Max will live in a supervised home with others on the spectrum, or the Newmans will retire somewhere and open a luncheonette in a small town where everyone knows them and they can keep Max employed, remains to be seen.

Three years ago, they started a special needs basketball league, simply because Max wanted to play, and there was no existing place for him to do so. “We’re a trailblazing family,” said Linda. “If we can’t find it, we’ll develop it.” To that end, the Newmans also head up the DuBrow special needs chapter of BBYO (B’nai Brith Youth Organization), a Jewish youth community service, leadership and social organization. Neurotypical teens participate and mentor, including Harrison.

Said Jackie Humans, “My vision for the future is for Nikki and me to go on a speaking tour.”

Michael Conrad’s dream is to “live in his own apartment and have a paid job,” said Molly. “He doesn’t understand why he can’t.” At 33, he’s just starting to think he may want a girlfriend (not atypical timing for an individual with a developmental delay). “I’d love for him to marry,” she adds with a smile. g

_________________________

Jackie Pantaliano is a freelance writer and owner of ImPRessions, LLC in Voorhees (www.impressionspr.net), a national PR firm. She is the former 4-year leader of the Camden/Burlington County Chapter of ASPEN, the proud mom of Steven, stepmom to three adults, dog mom to two pooches, and wife of Bob for 22 years. She can be reached at jackiep@impressionspr.net.

[ LEARN MORE ABOUT IT ]

FOR PARENTS:
PRIDE PAWS www.prideventuresinc.org

ASPEN www.aspennj.org

SOUTH JERSEY CHAPTER OF AUTISM SOCIETY OF AMERICA www.solvingthepuzzle.org

FOR ASPIES:
ADULT ASPEN SOCIAL GROUP IN SOUTH JERSEY, info@aspennj.org
NATIONAL ONLINE NETWORK FOR THOSE ON THE SPECTRUM www.wrongplanet.net
GRASP (GLOBAL AND REGIONAL ASPERGER’S SYNDROME PARTNERSHIP) www.grasp.org

For more information about South Jersey special needs social groups and activities contact the author at jackiepr@verizon.net.

You could say Lois DeBello, president of Incredible Edibles and The Chocolate Suite, has a natural born gift for making food with a flourish.

Q: Your dad was quite innovative in the bakery business.
A: After years in the business, my father sold his bakery and opened a donut shop in the 69th Street Terminal selling coffee and a variety of 52 donuts. He was the first to apply the Dunkin’ Donuts formula.

Q: What were some of your early jobs?
A: After I attended PCT&S for design and business, I entered fashion, modeled for a time, then became a buyer.

Q: What led to your developing fruit bouquets?
A: I threw my mother a birthday party. It just seemed natural for me to cook. All day long, my guests asked who catered. Since I was ready to leave Corporate America and had a dream of owning a commissary, I started one in 1984. Before I knew it, my lunch customers where asking me to cater for them, and my catering business became so big I actually had to close my lunch business. When creating menus for clients, they’d always say, ‘just make sure it’s beautiful.’ At the time, vegetable crudités were the big thing and to my eye there was nothing beautiful about crudités. No matter how it was done, it was just veggies on a tray. I couldn’t accept that and Incredible Edibles was born. I actually started with the veggie baskets—the fruit bouquets came later.

Q: You give back to the community in a big way.
A: I support the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, the JCC, the JFCS, CHOP, MakeaWish and the Alzheimer’s Association. I have very personal relationships with the agencies and Children’s Hospital and it’s just a good feeling to give back.

Q: What do you love most about your business?
A: The opportunity for creative expression and my passion for new designs make this the best job that anyone could ever want.

Incredible Edibles & The Chocolate Suite are located at 180 Barclay Farms Shopping Center, Cherry Hill. 856-857-9222, www.incredibleedibles.net.

BY GIRLFRIENDZ STAFF AND READERS

Master Your Metabolism by Jillian Michaels with Mariska Van Aalst. Michaels explains that the endocrine system plays a key role in much more than weight loss, tackling how ingesting toxins influences the longevity of our wellbeing. A number of convenient grocery lists and practical recipes are included.

Deborah Myers, Girlfriendz Writer

Poison and The Borgia Betrayal by Sara Poole. If you enjoy historical novels with factual bases, steamy love scenes and plenty of intrigue, pick up or download Poison and its sequel. Poole’s characters are rich with detail and just a few pages into the first, you’ll care deeply about her heroine, Francesca. The papacy, the Church, the Roman elite and peasantry are all vividly set out for hours of satisfying reading.

Jeanne Smith, Girlfriendz Senior Copyeditor

Room by Emma Donogh The story of mother-son love against all odds. While a woman’s abduction, captivity and birth of her captor’s baby is grisly, the story is not. Told from 5-year-old Jack’s innocent eyes, he and readers are shielded from the worst as his mother creates a rich, creative world for him within the confines of a tiny room. The eventual adjustment to the larger, scarier world is a jarring look at how we complicate our lives.

Jackie Pantaliano, Girlfriendz Writer

When do they Serve the Wine? by Liza Donnelly. A collection of cartoons and essays about what it means to be female. Donnelly, a New Yorker staff cartoonist, takes a knowing look at who we are and what is expected from us (everything!). From “The First Kiss” to “Sex in Your Sixties,“ from Barbie to vaginal lubricant, Donnelly riffs on when it feels great to be a bitch at work
and whether a vibrator is a good bridal shower gift. You may not howl with laughter, but you’ll grin in recognition.

Rosalind Warren, Girlfriendz Writer

Let’s Take the Long Way Home by Gail Caldwell. A beautifully written memoir by a Pulitzer Prize winner, this is a searing testament to the power and value of women’s friendships. Caldwell’s connection with fellow writer Caroline Knapp illuminated both their lives, so when Knapp is diagnosed with cancer and dies less than two months later, Caldwell must deal with the devastating grief that follows, and find her way back into the light.

Nicole Pensiero, Girlfriendz Writer
g

STEP ONE:
Casting the bully as someone to pity helps kids stop responding in an angry or upset way, which is the kind of reaction bullies thrive on. Reaching this stage is more than half the battle.

STEP TWO:
Kids need to be reminded that what they say isn’t anywhere near as important as the way they say it. The statement, “You think you’re cool but you’re just a bully!” will fall flat if the speaker has hunched shoulders, fails to make eye contact, or is using a whiny tone of voice. On the other hand, a child who stands just a little too close to the bully, with their shoulders squared, and making strong eye contact while saying, “There’s nothing cool about being a bully!” is going to be much less fun to pick on.

STEP THREE:
Creating their own snappy comebacks makes it easier for kids to remember them. Using a ‘no holds barred’ approach, encourage your child to suggest as many comebacks as they can before you start weeding out the unsuitable ones. Remember: the exact words won’t matter nearly as much as the way they’re said. If your child is stumped, suggest simple responses, such as, “So?” Looking bored and repeating “So?” is demoralizing for the bully.

STEP FOUR:
Practice role-playing games with a twist: be the target and let your child be the bully. Kids who hate role playing games usually relish the chance to let their parents be on the receiving end. Plus, the best way to learn something is to teach it. Give your child multiple opportunities for correcting your ‘upset’ responses by forgetting to make eye contact, whining and slouching. Make sure you fake being angry at least once and then ask your child if that response would make a bully stop. (Research shows that getting angry is the fastest way for a target to escalate the bullying!)

STEP FIVE:
Sometimes a bullying situation is so severe a child needs adult intervention. That’s when it’s important to use the 5 Ws of reporting bullying: Who, What, When, Where, and most importantly, Witnesses. When schools can corroborate a claim of being bullied it’s no longer a question of taking the target’s word against the bully’s.

________________________

Jackie Humans authored “15 Ways to ZAP a Bully!” Her daughter Nikki, who has Asperger’s Syndrome, illustrated the book. Purchase it at www.jackiehumans.com for $12.99.

BY THERESA WRIGHT, PH.D.

PATRICIA, AGE 15, WALKS DOWN THE HALLWAY OF HER HIGH SCHOOL WITH HER EYES DOWNCAST AND A PIT IN HER STOMACH AS SHE ATTEMPTS TO AVOID THE TAUNTS OF “FATTY PATTY” BY A GROUP OF GIRLS WHO HAVE BEEN TORMENTING HER FOR MONTHS.
Duncan, age 13, warily steps into the cafeteria with his heart pounding, just waiting for Bobby and “the boys” to throw their food scraps in his direction.

Susan, age 55, a married mother of 2 grown children, hesitates as she walks out the door to work, dissatisfied with her hair and outfit, fearing her coworkers will talk disparagingly about her appearance. Patricia, Duncan and Susan are all suffering from the psychological and physical effects of bullying. The Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry estimates that half of all school children are bullied at one time or another. Bullying is a repetitive act committed by an individual(s) with the intention of hurting someone who is vulnerable and perceived as weaker, either physically, psychologically or both. Bullying takes many forms, including not just physical violence but also emotional and social abuse such as persistent teasing, spreading rumors, excluding someone and the newest trend, cyber-bullying. We cannot simply dismiss bullying as a rite of passage or an inevitable part of childhood. For the first time,the American Academy of Pediatrics has revised its policy statement about preventing youth violence to include information about how to recognize and address bullying.

Alice Pope, Associate Professor of Psychology at St. Johns University, asserts that “the effects of bullying can last a lifetime.” They can leave deep emotional scars that shape who the person becomes as an adult. Bullying often has serious consequences for adults who have been victimized during their childhood, including depression, anxiety, diminished self esteem and in some cases, suicide. In one research study on the long term effects of bullying, adults reported indelible memories of the events with no signs of forgetting. According to Mark Dombeck, PhD, the long-term effects also include lingering feelings of anger and bitterness, difficulty trusting people and interpersonal difficulties characterized by fear and avoidance. Bullying can instill self-loathing and damages self perception and worth.

For many adults, these childhood experiences are tucked away and subtly manifested in their tentative approach to relationships and in their professional work. Often the victim is driven by self doubt, thereby remaining guarded in their relationships for fear of becoming vulnerable to emotional retaliation.

The painful experience of being victimized by a bully can be revisited when your own child is targeted by a bully. Children do not often report the bullying even to their parents because they feel humiliated and embarrassed. However, you may recognize the tell-tale signs such as a change in behavior, decreased sleep and appetite, isolation, physical complaints, increased anxiety and an obvious reluctance to go to school. If you fear that your child is being bullied, the following recommendations by Janet Lehman, MSW, can serve to guide you in helping your child:

1. Listen to your child. This may be difficult because your protective instinct has been activated, but if you are reactive, it is likely that your child will not talk to you out of concern that it will upset you or that you will be disappointed in him or her. As difficult as it is, you need to approach the situation calmly and rationally.
2. If you were bullied as a child, do not personalize what is happening. Listening to your child will bring up painful memories. It can be helpful to relate to your child but do not take it on as your own experience. The best thing you can do for your child is to remember what helped or didn’t help you when you were being bullied.
3. Do not retaliate against the bully and his or her family. Although it is tempting to take matters into your own hands, it will likely not be productive. It is a better idea to work through the school to mediate the situation. Set an example for your child on how to employ conflict resolution and how to solve problems.
4. Coach your child on how to react to a bully. Bullies tend to pick on children from whom they can get a reaction. Teach your child how to firmly address the bully, “Leave me alone,” and walk away. Educate them on who they can go to when feeling unsafe. Often the guidance counselor can offer a safe place. It can be helpful to role-play assertive responses with your child. See sidebar for some examples.
5. Contact a teacher or administrator at the school who will actively help your child. Schools are becoming proactive with anti-bullying campaigns and “zero tolerance.”
6. Support your child. Make sure your child knows it is not his or her fault and he or she does not have to face being bullied alone. Communicate that you will be there every step of the way.
7. Get support for yourself. Family and friends can offer comfort and advice which can alleviate your distress and allow you to be psychologically available for your child.
8. Help your child build up self confidence. This can be accomplished by discovering activities that your child enjoys and is good at such as swimming, singing etc.

In the event that your child has been bullied much like you were in your youth, both of you can work together toward empowerment. Invest the time to discover your gifts and talents by exploring different activities; use the very technology that may have caused your pain, the computer, to print out positive sayings and affirmations, and surround yourself with family and friends who value your worth.

You know all too well that age-old whimsical saying, “Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me.” But now you know it’s not true. Find your voice, lift your spirit and empower yourself to create a safe and nourishing life. g

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Theresa Wright, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice with offices in Mt. Laurel and Colts Neck, NJ. She has worked in the mental health field for over 20 years. She received her Ph.D. from Temple University and works with diverse populations and age groups.

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Become Your Child’s Bully Coach

BY JACKIE HUMANS

STEP ONE:
Casting the bully as someone to pity helps kids stop responding in an angry or upset way, which is the kind of reaction bullies thrive on. Reaching this stage is more than half the battle.

STEP TWO:
Kids need to be reminded that what they say isn’t anywhere near as important as the way they say it. The statement, “You think you’re cool but you’re just a bully!” will fall flat if the speaker has hunched shoulders, fails to make eye contact, or is using a whiny tone of voice. On the other hand, a child who stands just a little too close to the bully, with their shoulders squared, and making strong eye contact while saying, “There’s nothing cool about being a bully!” is going to be much less fun to pick on.

STEP THREE:
Creating their own snappy comebacks makes it easier for kids to remember them. Using a ‘no holds barred’ approach, encourage your child to suggest as many comebacks as they can before you start weeding out the unsuitable ones. Remember: the exact words won’t matter nearly as much as the way they’re said. If your child is stumped, suggest simple responses, such as, “So?” Looking bored and repeating “So?” is demoralizing for the bully.

STEP FOUR:
Practice role-playing games with a twist: be the target and let your child be the bully. Kids who hate role playing games usually relish the chance to let their parents be on the receiving end. Plus, the best way to learn something is to teach it. Give your child multiple opportunities for correcting your ‘upset’ responses by forgetting to make eye contact, whining and slouching. Make sure you fake being angry at least once and then ask your child if that response would make a bully stop. (Research shows that getting angry is the fastest way for a target to escalate the bullying!)

STEP FIVE:
Sometimes a bullying situation is so severe a child needs adult intervention. That’s when it’s important to use the 5 Ws of reporting bullying: Who, What, When, Where, and most importantly, Witnesses. When schools can corroborate a claim of being bullied it’s no longer a question of taking the target’s word against the bully’s.

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Jackie Humans authored “15 Ways to ZAP a Bully!” Her daughter Nikki, who has Asperger’s Syndrome, illustrated the book. Purchase it at www.jackiehumans.com for $12.99.

How to Create Win-Win Email Introductions

BY HOWARD YERMISH

USING EMAIL TO INTRODUCE ONE PERSON TO ANOTHER is a great tool for your ongoing business networking activities. However, you don’t want to create an awkward situation that could obligate one or more people into actions that are unwanted or uncomfortable.

Let’s start with the case where you want to refer your friend Sally to your accountant Mortimer. You’ve been working with Morty for years and Sally just told you how stressed out she has been with her accounting and invoicing. While talking to or emailing Sally (or Tweeting, you wild child), you mention that you have a great accountant and ask if she is actually interested. Sally is interested and asks for Mortimer’s contact information.

Now here is the wrong way to do it. Send a single email to both Sally and Mortimer giving both parties each other’s email addresses and phone numbers with a one sentence description of Sally needing Mortimer’s help.

Yes, many people do this, but consider the following. We know that sometimes in professional services, people change their customer focus or services, but still serve existing clients. Maybe Mortimer is now only focusing on business valuation accounting services. He still handles his small collection of loyal customers (including you) but doesn’t want to take on Sally’s small business account.

So instead of that quick email, you need to email Mortimer to confirm that he still offers the accounting services Sally needs. Ask him to give you a short overview that you can send to your friend, and confirm the right email address and contact phone number. His reply includes his office phone number and a link to his sparkling new website, rather than his cell phone number, which he doesn’t give out to clients anymore. (Don’t make Morty mad! Your tax bill depends on it!)

So at this point, your friend (and accountant) Morty has no idea who Sally is but knows you are working on getting him a referral. Regardless of whether Sally is really serious, Morty is reminded why he likes you so much. You are trying to get him a new customer!

Your next step is to email Morty’s information to Sally. “I just confirmed with Mortimer that he helps small businesses just like yours with their accounting services. Here is his phone number, email and website. Would it be okay if I emailed him your name, business name, email address and phone number?” As the customer, Sally wants to stay in control of the situation. She might have a full schedule this week and would rather wait a week or five to contact Mortimer.

Even if Sally isn’t ready, send a short email to Morty. “I just confirmed with my friend that she has a really full schedule right now. I’ve given her your information and she said she would reach out to you. Her name is Sally (no last name) and when she contacts you, she may mention that I referred you.”

All done! No need to nag Sally to call Morty. If she doesn’t want to, that’s her choice.

Yes, this seems like a lot of work. But isn’t this a much more respectful way to introduce two strangers? The side effect is that both Morty and Sally see how responsive and giving you are as a person. Now the “Universal Bank of Karma” takes over, leading to a referral for your own business from either Sally or Morty. Maybe not right away, but they will both be thinking about you.

Another possible scenario is when someone simply wants to have two people connect together. Let’s say you just got an email from Sally which also went to someone you don’t know. Sally’s message says, “Both of you work with technology and I like both of you so I figured you should know each other.”

Okay, time to dance the “Awkward Moment Tango.” Sally is trying to do something really nice for you and the other person, but both of you are now in the same place—the State of Confusion. Rarely does the “Reply All” button lead to a good outcome, but in this case it is perfect. Reply to both Sally and the total stranger with a “Thank you” email. Similar to what Mortimer sent earlier in this article, write a short overview of what you do and the best way to contact you. This serves two purposes: it’s a reminder to Sally of exactly what you do and how you market yourself, and it’s a short introduction to the total stranger. Fortunately, Sally used your correct email address. g

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Howard Yermish works with small and medium enterprises on their Internet strategy, online marketing, user experience design, website usability, information architecture, application specification and application design. His new project, “More Digital Referrals” is an online course delivered via email several times a week, with step-by-step instructions, video tutorials and downloadable materials you can use right away. Learn more and register for free at http://moredigitalreferrals.com.