By Theresa Wright, Ph.D.
Just weeks after celebrating their ruby anniversary, Al and Tipper Gore announced their separation. They put a public face on a growing trend—later life divorces among decades-long marriages. The inconvenient truth is that instead of growing old together, many 40-, 50- and 60-something couples are growing apart.
Numerous women have persevered in unhappy marriages and conflict-laden unions for the sake of their children, financial security and lifestyle. They have compromised their own psychological well being to assure the success and happiness of their family members. It is often when the children have become settled into their adult lives, financial well being has been established and work demands have decreased, that a woman has the opportunity to re-evaluate her life.
AARP attracted attention to divorces past midlife in a 2004 survey. It focused on later life divorces after 20, 30 and 40 years of marriage, and it indicates that there has been a surge of divorces among long-term marriages. The divorce rate for couples married more than 30 years has doubled in the past ten years. In fact, the divorce rate for Baby Boomers is triple that of their parents.
Many assume that later life divorces are precipitated by men leaving their wives for the “other” woman. On the contrary, the AARP study found that the majority of divorces are initiated by women.
There are several social realities that have contributed to a woman’s unwillingness to tolerate certain behaviors such as infidelity, domestic violence, substance abuse and unfulfilling marriages. We are living longer, healthier lives (hovering in the 80′s) making it increasingly difficult to remain in unsatisfying marriages for another 25 or more years. There is also less stigma attached to divorce, therefore decreasing the isolation that had been associated with failed marriages. We are vital members of the work force and have created financial security along with our spouses which enables us to lead economically independent lives.
Some believe marital success should not necessarily be measured by its longevity but rather by its quality. According to Dr, Michael Plumeri, a practicing psychologist in Mt. Laurel, a marriage can have an expiration date regardless of its longevity. “If the relationship is not nourished and tended to, it can expire. A relationship cannot be handled in the same way we treat the family car, with only routine care and maintenance, such as an occasional date night. Rather, a couple creates a healthy marriage by sharing emotionally intimate moments and mutually satisfying experiences. Being good homemakers or good providers are admirable qualities and should not be dismissed. But in and of themselves, they are simply insufficient to sustain a marriage.” He adds that many long-term relationships develop into nothing more than a co-existence for the purpose of raising a family; thereby a chasm develops and over time the couple creates distinctly separate lives which makes it difficult to withstand any major life events such as illness or unemployment.
It is a disservice to mid-life women to accuse them of sacrificing the tradition of marriage for self-expression and freedom. Divorce at any age can be devastating, particularly for women who have been married for decades. Their identity is defined by their role as wife and mother. Furthermore, women have this expectation that following years of rigorous child rearing and building of financial security, come mid-life they will settle into a tranquil and relatively peaceful existence in which they can enjoy the fruits of their labor. Instead they are confronted with an undeniable loneliness and despair.
Judy Steinberg, author of Fabulous after Fifty and Sexy at Sixty describes recovery from mid-life divorce as a daunting task in which a woman is overwhelmed by feelings of disappointment, anger and fear, and the sense that one is lost without a road map. She offers strategies for navigating life after divorce, starting with a positive attitude which you can create by taking stock of what you have and what you are grateful for.
She suggests investing in your physical strength through exercise and nutrition, which can serve to improve your attitude and confidence. Learn something new, perhaps by pursuing something you have always wanted to do but neglected in favor of others, such as dance lessons, cooking classes or travel. It is paramount that a woman reach out for emotional support and be receptive to the care and kindness of others. Following the aftermath of a divorce, it is a time to re-invent your life and make the time for you. It may feel alien at first and it won’t be without its challenges, but you deserve to give yourself the care and attention that for so long you have devoted to others.
